Tomorrowland (2015) [Guest Post]

When child inventor Frank Walker is recruited at the Worlds Fair, he is transported to a glittering futuristic city in another dimension. Forty years on, teen genius Casey Newton is similarly recruited to join the adult Frank to prevent the end of the world.

In the spirit of a live-action version of The Incredibles (also by director Brad Bird of M.I.-4) or Despicable me, or perhaps, Up! , Tomorrowland rattles along from one bizarrely disjointed set-piece to another without ever getting its act together or deciding who its audience is; a Disney movie with a strong cast that is somehow less than the sum of its parts.

Beautiful Creatures (2013) [Guest Post]

Another near-miss in the hunt for a Young Adult fantasy franchise, post-Twilight; this time it’s witches in South Carolina, closely adapted from the YA book by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, in which star-crossed teenage lovers have to battle ancient curses and the in-laws from hell.

Beautiful Creatures is fortunate to have two, er, beautiful creatures in Alice Englert and Alden Ehrenreich to carry the leads. Which is just as well; their scenes together make for a delightfully tense and sparky rom-com; but step beyond and we’re into hocus-pocus, camp theatricality and hum-drum CGI.

Entourage (2015) [Guest Post]

Comedy with no laughs, drama with no dramatic tension and satire that contains no criticism or comment on its subjects, Entourage is a vacuous, pointless, sexist parade of leering, letching and contempt for at least 50% of the population. This is Hollywood as the land of naked ambition and consumerism filled with shallow, vain, self-serving bro-mance boor-doom. As ‘A Good Thing.’

Not even Jeremy Piven’s (Smokin’ Aces) theatrical fireworks as the agent-from-hell Ari Gold (promoted to head of a major studio, still without irony or satire) can save this middle-aged lad’s mag outing of boobs, cars and more boobs, from TV double-episode mediocrity.  

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) [Guest Post]

Sam Taylor-Johnson steers this knowingly hilarious, better than expected Mills and Bondage, adapted from the terrible E L James “best-seller” – somebody still needs to explain that to me – down a surprising feminist path.

Two surprises; it’s not the anticipated exploitation movie, being rather coy about the S&M; and it’s not flat-out terrible; plus a revelation – Dakota Johnson as leading lady Anastasia Steele rises above the material and will be the next Jennifer Lawrence.

Taken 3 (2015) [Guest Post]

I’ve seen it so you don’t have to: Liam Neeson’s latest addition to his modern day The Searchers franchise proves to be the cynical, money-making, watered-down, lowest-common denominator pop-corn fodder everyone said it would be.

While the first Taken had a certain brutal post-Bourne, post-Ronin style glossing it’s very xenophobic, hunter-killer, mechanical, plot, and relying on Neeson’s ruthless and chilly ex-spy, Taken 3 may be a sequel too far. Although that hasn’t prevented Fast and Slightly Peeved 27…

The Hangover (2009) [Guest Post]

The stag-do from hell; three groomsmen wake up in a Vegas hotel room; plus-one actual live tiger in the bathroom, plus-one six-month-old baby in the closet, minus-one missing groom. No one remembers what happened.

I wish I could say the same. I’m still mad at the ‘friends’ who recommended this.

A gratuitously profane, violent, racist, homophobic and misogynistic so-called comedy from talented people who should know better. With a Mike Tyson cameo, cheerfully punching-out a ‘civilian.’ Animal House was Fellini next to this…

Silver Linings Playbook (2013) [Guest Post]

Before American Hustle was David O. Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook, a rom-com-drama about life, love, loss and mental illness. Russell’s messy, semi-improv style, coarse script and star casting hides an immortal 1940’s plot-line, a will-they, won’t-they romance with added dance competition and anti-depressants.

With it’s feel-good title, oddball hero, kookie leading lady, a football game, a dance event, and a Bridget Jones chase through festive, snowy streets at Christmas, Silver Linings Playbook reveals itself a conventional rom-com-drama.

Fortunately Jennifer Lawrence (Hunger Games) is the lightning spark that energises this muddled but enjoyable ‘romp’…

Holes (2003) [Guest Post]

A few years ago someone at Disney – yes, Disney – decided a kids version of Cool Hand Luke infused with The Goonies and a dash of Shawshank Redemption would make a decent movie.

So they set it in the desert, hired Signourney Weaver (Paul, Abduction) do do one of her cold villains, alongside a shifty, comedy villain by Jon Voight (Lara Croft, Mission Imppossible), threw in a legend of buried treasure, and for the lead, cast a teenage Shia LeBoeuf (Transformers). Whatever happened to him?

Forced to endure character-building hard labour in the Texas desert, Stanley and the gang relentlessly dig holes in search of…what?

Postman Pat The Movie (2014) [Guest Post]

Nieces. That’s my excuse for going to see this. So what’s the producers excuse for what they’ve done to a beloved childrens’ TV character?

Why, when they make a feature length movie, do producers want to take the very thing they presumably paid a lot of money for the movie rights, then turn it into something else?

Postman Pat The Movie is like a throwback to 70’s sit-com spin-offs; take a successful TV property, then take it on holiday; sacrifice the familiar elements that make it what it is, then ditch the characters, the setting and any of the plotting and turn it into… a shallow imitation of itself.

The Covenant (2005) [Guest Post]

Looking for the Twilight zone, all you get are testosterone-fueled pretty boys snarling their way through a macho version of The Craft. Some impressive special effects can’t disguise the vacuous, sub-Supernatural script. Unintentionally comedic, courtesy of ham-fisted Finnish demolition-meister Renny Harlin.

Somewhere in Massachussets; the Ipswich Colony (which immediately destroys the movie for the Brit’s – we can’t take anything from Ispwich seriously), where, since 1692, a ‘covenant of silence’ has kept witchcraft from the world.

Now, in the present day, the teenage heirs of four ancient families of warlocks battle it out with the banished evil fifth son… meh.